Teens are like lawyers. They get to those years and all of a sudden, “Because we said so” is not a good enough reason for them to obey you. They want to know the reason why you said so. The key question is “Why?” “But why, Mom?” “Why, Dad, do I have to do that?” “Why can’t I do this?” That’s not necessarily a bad thing for you as a parent. That can actually work in your favor – as long as you have answers for that question, “Why?”
Yes, teens are like lawyers. They will badger you, harass the witness, cross-examine the rules and values, beliefs and behaviors you have decreed for them to live. I know, because I used to do it to my poor Mom every day as a teen. Teens, like lawyers, will look for loopholes, some weakness in the system that they can exploit for their client (that is, themselves). That’s their job.
One of the biggest loopholes they will look for is any inconsistencies between the way that you, the parent, are telling them to live, and the way that you as parents actually live. What they want to know is: do you practice what you preach? When I say that they badger “the witness” – that is exactly what I meant. For they are looking for a witness. They want to see a lived example of Catholicism before their eyes, so they know that it’s not merely a nice theory, but a credible way of life.
Do you really live according to the values and beliefs you are teaching your kids, or is it some variation of “Do as I say, not as I do?” That will not work with a teen. Teens, like a good lawyer, know how to expose a weak witness. They have very good noses – they can smell baloney a mile away. What they are looking for is something called integrity – a walk that matches the talk.
Perhaps Tiger Woods didn’t see enough of that in his father, Earl. When he made his nationally televised “Mea Culpa” in that staged press conference he held on national TV, he said that he did not act in accordance with the values with which he had been raised. Well, maybe that isn’t quite true. Maybe he did act in accordance with his dad’s values – not the ones that his dad talked about, but the ones his dad actually lived by.
As a result, Tiger hasn’t seemed to have fully arrived at adulthood. And adulthood is the goal – parents have to constantly be reminded of this. You are not raising a child. You are raising an adult. Every parenting decision from birth onward has to be made in light of this fact. It’s hard to remember when the kids are so young and cute, but what you have entrusted to your care is an adult in the making. These young people must become free, responsible, giving people of good judgment and tough-minded character.
So well said!! I have raised five children, and it was not a cake walk. Kids have a way of unpacking your baggage…which should be an incentive to us adults to continue growing. I cannot emphasize strongly enough to young people with stars in their eyes to choose a mate who is on the same spiritual walk as you are; it is the glue that will hold you together when the romance fades. One thing that we adults often overlook is the necessity of continually feeding our faith with prayer, practice and spiritual reading. A lot of Christian people, otherwise well intentioned, automatically consign any spiritual reading outside of the Bible into a file labelled “boring”. There is a new book out which will be a “wake up” resource to those who fall into this category; this book is a spiritual suspense memoir which is anything but boring. With Christmas approaching rapidly it is also the answer to give to friends or family for whom talk of Church has become a taboo subject. ‘Graffiti On My Soul’ by Johanna will appeal to all as a suspense story of a rather unusual life, but it also corrects misconceptions about Church and religious life, and is a ‘faith witness in disguise’, a profound journey of hope and forgiveness. This is another tool for the ‘the new evangelization’ and you can find out more at: http://www.eloquentbooks.com/GraffitiOnMySoul.html