OK, gang, here it is! Enjoy!

This afternoon I was a guest on Salt & Light TV’s Perspectives: Weekly Edition program. The topic was social media’s impact on relationships. That’s me on the right, with host Pedro Guevara-Mann and fellow panelist Julie Abernethy from Aid to Women. The episode will air this Friday at 7:00 PM, and you can catch it in live streaming format at www.saltandlighttv.org!

Let’s look at the final stage of growth:

Adulthood: “What can I do for you?”

Maturity means concern for others. Looking outside oneself to the needs of others, starting with God. Jesus first, others second, yourself last. That’s actually the recipe for happiness in this world, as Jesus himself taught it. What is the kingdom of God all about? Jesus says it’s the Kingdom of Right Relationships. Having a right relationship with God, and a right relationship with others. “Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself”. Love God – Jesus first. Love others – “love your neighbor”. And love yourself, too – “love your neighbor as you love yourself “. Love yourself – you must. But in the third place, very much in the third place. It’s certainly not the most important thing.

This way of living is the path to true joy – in fact, it quite literally spells joy – Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. J.O.Y.

It is this Christian adult maturity that we need to inculcate in our kids. Because what God is looking for from you as a parent is much different than what the rest of the world seeks. Other parents may care most about the letters at the end of their children’s names – M.D., M.B.A., PhD. But Catholic parents care most of all about the letters they hope come before their childrens’ names: St. Saint. For the goal of Catholic parenting is that your child become a saint. Who are the saints? The word saint is from the Greek word “hagios”, which means “the holy ones.” And what does it mean to become holy? Does it mean being weird, floating on a cloud? No. Being a holy person just means being the best version of yourself. The person you were created to be. The Bible says, “Without holiness no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 13). If we want them to get to heaven, if we ant them to see Jesus, they must become saints. And so must we.

This is the goal of our lives and the most important role of Catholic parents. It’s what you solemnly promised before God at your own wedding. Part of the wedding vow in the Catholic Church is:  “Will you accept children as a gift from God, and will you raise them according to the laws of Christ and his Church?” will you do your part to help them grow in the faith and strive for sainthood? You reiterated that promise before God at your child’s baptism. And we will answer to God for how we did that on the last day.

Most of all, I want to tell you, as parents, never to give up. Never, never give up on your kids. They are not perfect, and they will make mistakes. Sometimes that’s not a bad thing, because some of the best learning experiences come through making mistakes.

But they need to know that you love them, as persons, unconditionally. You must “love the sinner, hate the sin.” Never stop modeling a life of Catholic integrity for them. And when they get lost in the crumbling and collapsing debris of our disintegrating culture, never stop looking for them to help dig them out. We have a heavenly Father who has never given up on any of us, although we’ve given him plenty of reasons to. He never gives up on us. Like him, let’s not ever, even for a moment, give up on our kids. Let’s help them to be exactly who God has created them to be: saints.

According to acclaimed parenting author Jim Stenson, growth from birth to adulthood can be summarized in three distinct stages. Let’s take a look at the first two:

Childhood: “What can you do for me?”

A child’s world completely revolves around itself. The child himself is the centre of the universe. She believes that others exist to serve her needs and cater to her whims – whether that be “feed me”, “play with me”, or “entertain me”. We have all known young people who have, tragically, never advanced to the next stage, which is…

Adolescence: “I can do it for myself.”

This is the journey from dependence to independence. Unfortunately, many people have confused this with the final step, thinking this is the goal. It’s somewhat like my dad used to say to me (and maybe you heard this growing up, too): “My goal is to have you out of the house at 18 and on your own!” These days some parents are lucky if their kids move out by age 35, it seems.

But we still haven’t arrived at the goal because this 2nd stage, like the childhood stage, is still ultimately concerned with self. Childhood says, “What can you do for me?” while Adolescence says, “I can do it for – who? For myself”. Either way, the focus is still concern for self.

Many people, even as adults, remain trapped somewhere between these two stages. Tiger Woods is a great example of such a narcissistic soul. Professionally, he exhibits all the character traits in his job that one would want to see in his personal life: Determination. Hard work. Never quits. Perseverance. In this sense, Tiger is a lot like many adults we work with, who are our neighbors. Essentially, they are highly skilled barbarians. Professionally: mature, competent. Ethically: immature and incompetent. Monetarily: wealthy. Morally: bankrupt.

As a person Tiger is still not mature. At his press conference, one of the things he said was that he felt “entitled” to do the things he did. In other words, “The laws of morality don’t apply to me. Why? Because I’m me! I’m Tiger Woods!”

It may be easy to dismiss Tiger as an extreme case, but believe me, your kids, your Catholic teens, are prone to the same self-deception that befell Tiger. It may not manifest itself the same way, but trust me, it’s there.

Recently a Catholic school (which shall remain nameless) realized they had a bit of a problem on their hands. Teachers noticed that many students were exhibiting attitudes and behaviors that many found questionable – just the kinds of things you don’t want to see in the lives of your own kids.

Interviews were done with all of the families of these kids to find out what the problem was. They found that none of these kids’ problems were due to their family situations. In other words, the kids didn’t pick these vices up from home – they got it from the culture that we live in. They imbibed it from the society around their homes – TV, the internet, music, movies, media of all kinds – and from their friends.

They also found out that every single kid, every single case, had one thing in common. Do you know what it is? It surprised the heck out of the researchers. No matter whether the student was involved with violence, alcohol, drugs, sexual sins, materialism, you name it – all of them had one thing in common: a rejection of the created order. What? What does that mean? The root of all these kids’ problems was a rejection of creation.

Think about it. If I reject the created order, that means that I am rejecting the fact that there is a reality, there is an order – outside of myself – and that the only approach to life that makes sense is to try and find out what this reality is all about and try to conform my life to the way things actually are, not the way I want them to be.

To reject the created order of reality also means to reject the fact that there is a creator who came up with all of this creation – and that I am responsible to this creator. And this creator we call God.

But I don’t want to do that, because that would mean admitting that I’m not the center of the universe; that the universe really doesn’t revolve around me after all. That would involve me actually growing up. But grow up we must if we are to arrive at the final stage of growth from childhood, the goal of all parenting: adulthood. Because, again, we’re raising adults, not children.

Teens are like lawyers. They get to those years and all of a sudden, “Because we said so” is not a good enough reason for them to obey you. They want to know the reason why you said so. The key question is “Why?” “But why, Mom?” “Why, Dad, do I have to do that?” “Why can’t I do this?” That’s not necessarily a bad thing for you as a parent. That can actually work in your favor – as long as you have answers for that question, “Why?”

Yes, teens are like lawyers. They will badger you, harass the witness, cross-examine the rules and values, beliefs and behaviors you have decreed for them to live. I know, because I used to do it to my poor Mom every day as a teen. Teens, like lawyers, will look for loopholes, some weakness in the system that they can exploit for their client (that is, themselves). That’s their job.

One of the biggest loopholes they will look for is any inconsistencies between the way that you, the parent, are telling them to live, and the way that you as parents actually live. What they want to know is: do you practice what you preach? When I say that they badger “the witness” – that is exactly what I meant. For they are looking for a witness. They want to see a lived example of Catholicism before their eyes, so they know that it’s not merely a nice theory, but a credible way of life.

Do you really live according to the values and beliefs you are teaching your kids, or is it some variation of “Do as I say, not as I do?” That will not work with a teen. Teens, like a good lawyer, know how to expose a weak witness. They have very good noses – they can smell baloney a mile away. What they are looking for is something called integrity – a walk that matches the talk.

Perhaps Tiger Woods didn’t see enough of that in his father, Earl. When he made his nationally televised “Mea Culpa” in that staged press conference he held on national TV, he said that he did not act in accordance with the values with which he had been raised. Well, maybe that isn’t quite true. Maybe he did act in accordance with his dad’s values – not the ones that his dad talked about, but the ones his dad actually lived by.

As a result, Tiger hasn’t seemed to have fully arrived at adulthood. And adulthood is the goal – parents have to constantly be reminded of this. You are not raising a child. You are raising an adult. Every parenting decision from birth onward has to be made in light of this fact. It’s hard to remember when the kids are so young and cute, but what you have entrusted to your care is an adult in the making. These young people must become free, responsible, giving people of good judgment and tough-minded character.

Note: This is part one of my latest article in October’s Catholic Insight magazine. On a personal note, I’m a great fan of Tiger Woods, the golfer – and I pray for Tiger Woods, the man.

Earl Woods was once thought of as one of America’s greatest dads – maybe even the world’s. Who could forget the scene that ensued just off the 18th green at Augusta National Golf Club after Earl’s son, Tiger Woods, had won his first Masters tournament going away in 1997. Father and son met in a tearful embrace that seemed to last forever.

Tiger, of course, became not only the world’s most famous and successful athlete, but seemed to have the ultimate family life in his own right, what with his gorgeous wife Elin, and their two beautiful kids, daughter Sam Alexis and son Charlie. To complete the idyllic picture, they were often photographed playing with the family dogs, Taz and Yogi. Tiger – as a husband, a father, as a man – seemed to be following in his father’s footsteps.

In fact he was, but in a way that no one could have imagined.

Of course, we now know that Tiger’s carefully constructed family image was a fraud. Amid the myriad sordid revelations of Tiger Woods’ adulterous affairs with women of ill repute, one woman emerged from Tiger’s past whose relationship with Tiger by far antedated any of the rest: his high school sweetheart. She told of how the teenaged Tiger would call her on the phone and just weep, dissolving into tears. You see, Tiger had discovered that his dad was having an affair, cheating on his mom.

Earl Woods had already left one wife and another family before he had met and married Tiger’s mom. It is also not so well-known that as soon as Tiger, who was Earl and Kultida Woods’ only child, turned professional in 1996, his parents separated and no longer lived together, although they would often both show up to cheer their son on in tournaments. Tiger knew that, amidst the revelations of his own father’s secret life, the only reason his parents stayed together was because of him. As if his life didn’t already have enough pressure, what with his dad making pronouncements to the effect of, “Tiger will be more important for the world than Ghandi – you’ll see”.

Perhaps the way that Tiger will become so important is as a cautionary tale for parents. For the words of a parent are not nearly as important as their actions, as their example. Children may not always seem to be listening to what you say as a parent. But, trust me, they are all ears – and all eyes – when it comes to what you do.